Confusion and Doubt


I don’t know what to do anymore

Hear them

Focus on yourself

Do their advice

You have your dreams

They have plans for you

You can see visions

They know better

I know myself more.







Battle I am fighting

The story only begins when you mess with it

The eighteen years of existence, i’ve never felt this redeemed. When I was seventeen years old i got addicted to wattpad, to the point of I will cut my class to read to the nearest convenient store so i can stay for hours. I’ve been trapped in the four cornered-wall of my house to sleep, read, do some chores so my mama won’t notice and nag at me. At school, I will come late and read wattpad again in classroom. I don’t talk to my friends which lead me to think of negative things that really affect my whole being. That moment i realized that i need a friend to talk to ‘coz i feel so so depressed and suicidal. I feel like the people around me is talking shits about my being. I hear voices inside my head saying

“You are alone Hanna. You don’t have anyone but yourself”

So i start reflecting, what did i do to feel this way? What have i done that made me like this? Where am i now? Am i still reading my bible? Am i still praying?Is God still there beside me? Then I started talking to my friends again, i hang out with them, night out with my girl cousin and best friends but i still felt empty. Why? Why am i so introvert? Why i can’t tell my secrets to them? Why do i keep trapping myself in this dark and empty room? I’m beginning to see everythings as negative. I became a pessimistic person. When i loggedin in my Facebook account and see post from everyone around the world, i ask myself “Do you want to be happy like them?” And i saw a quotes saying


I stared at it for a long time and start thinking of happy thoughts. Then saturday came when we have this Prayer vigil for young people that turns out to be a girl night’s out ‘coz no boys came which is a good thing. Then we share things about thanksgiving and my turn was in, at first i was doubting myself if i could share this problem to others but then i had the courage to tell them because my heart is so heavy and i know if this won’t get out i will burst out. Then i begun to tell them the battle inside my head, the battle between me and my own mind. They were silently listening as my voice shivering to tell the story i am hiding for year. My eyes is clouding with tears and my hand is cold as ice. But i had the courage, the will to share it with my closest friends i have. The most bravest thing is that… i didn’t cry in front of them but the whole time, there’s a lump in my throat but the good thing is i manage to lend it in the ears of many. They gave me advices on how to fight and carry on. But the only things that remained in me is

If you stop believing, you stop living

I believe in myself more than they believed in me. No one will trust on me if I don’t trust in myself that’s what i learned in my eighteen years of existence. The words of God has lifted me up, it redeems my soul. New year gave me a starting point again, to live life without worries about the negative surroundings and to give goals for myself.

The words of God has lifted me up, it redeems my soul